I fuck my boyfriend at his family's New Years Day party after drinking too much and telling him about how sometimes I sleep with my best friend which I know gets him hot and bothered and not jealous because girl bodies are so soft. I leave after he cums on my stomach and little in my mouth and I go to meet my other boyfriend. He is sleepy when I get to him and I undress in the dark and get in bed next to his warm boy body. He tells me about his day in a half dream voice and momentarily I feel like this is what it’s like to be married. I like both my boyfriends but I only admit this to myself and so everyone else just thinks I’m confused and filled with their gross residues. 

Inside of me the two of them don’t mix well. They congeal because they’re a little jealous of each other but mostly just shy. 

Neither go up inside me or down and out. They stay sticky in the middle. 

After a few weeks I get sick, from the rotton cum stuck to the walls of my cervix. Half hardened, half oozing. I don’t taste good anymore - they tell me. 

My body skips ripeness and goes straight to another kind of sweetness which is best spat out immediately. 

When I open my legs it smells kindof like a wet basement and I have this desire to be able to reach up inside of myself to pull out the stink. It’s hard though, getting you’re wrist in there - the angle isn’t right. 

I decide that maybe I’m pregnant and the baby is mad because it’s confused. I sit in the bath which is the only place I smell good anymore. I cover myself in soap and lay my hands gently across my belly. There are bubbles on my face and when they get in my eyes they sting. I think I can feel the baby kicking even though he would only be the size of a kidney bean at this point. I say “shhhh” calmly, like a good mother and he screams “fuck off!” from inside of me which is a funny thing to hear from a tiny kidney bean baby voice.