“the water and the liquor feel goooood”
she’s running through the fountain, letting it take care of her.
Jack wont kiss me on the steps of the church because he is very religious and it would be blasphemous to do so. It is this prudity which makes me love him even more. his total innocence. his holy control. I lie there and I turn into a version of myself so desperate to be had that it becomes mostly just humorous. my purpose singular. animalistic. vulgar. he hates me for it but he’s starting to pull my hair a little in the rare moments when he does succumb to me, and for his small effort I am grateful.
i let the plastic handle rip into the tan fat of my forearm and i feel more self sufficient than ever before. i make mean fuck me eyes at all of the TFL employees and they look almost scared - like they hadn’t known about that humiliating gagging noise i find myself throwing up sometimes. occasionally I find myself refreshing.
“yeah it’s satin - touching goddamn monkey skin chest”
I don’t know what he meant but it sounds cool and mean in my mouth. Sounded even better in his.
Some girls I knew in elementary school started saying “the LES doesn’t have anything for me anymore” and most of the time I don’t feel like I have the right to call anything mine. most of the time I think I’m the problem.
I got heavier.
I ate all the stones at the beach while I was waiting for you to finish teaching your surf lesson and I laid on my back and I let them press against my spine from the inside.
In the meantime everything tastes less sweet
than ever before
my mother washes the makeup off of my father’s face and I drink the bath water after they’ve gone to bed. clean. sweet.
I like to think of myself as “resilient”
but I am rotton
Jerome is divorcing his wife
they don’t sleep in the same bed anymore but
when we look at him weepy eyed and sigh he says
“it’s no big tragedy”
Dana tells me that the day before her mother died she asked if she’d live longer if she just tried eating a little more.
I threw up in the tent on the beach that morning.
Our baby in the bile.
You more pink than I remembered